Aug 1, 2008

It's not you...its me

Dear i-phone,

I’m sorry but… it’s just not working out. Really. It’s not you… it’s me. Unfortunately I was just not i-ready for our relationship and I feel quite badly for leading you on despite my strong reservations against committing. Call me a fool because I certainly rushed in. I didn’t take the proper time to get to know what I as a person really wanted from a phone. What can I say…I’m impulsive! I dived in because you were so charming and ‘everyone was doing it’ but there was no real spark.

People were shocked. Some of them even said, “you’re an idiot that’s the best phone you could ever get…do you know how many ppl would kill to be in your shoes”. “This has never happened before? Should we call the news?” Our appearance fooled everyone, kudos to both of us for our performance. We were the cute couple everyone talked about. But it wasn’t real…

This is the healthiest decision I’ve made in quite sometime.

First, trust is the keystone in any relationship. You’re the only phone on the market that didn’t come with an insurance plan. The anxiety I felt everyday with no safety net drove me insane. It led me to act out in ways that straight out embarrassed me and is probably the real reason we’re here so soon. I was always constantly watching you, waiting for you to suddenly drop off the face of the earth. I would coddle you in my palms instead of placing you in my purse. I would buy umbrellas when it started drizzling… you were simply just too high maintenance and I was exhausted.

You were too passive aggressive and an attention hog. You were getting in the way of my relationships with friends, buzzing and resetting while I was in middle of important conversations. As much as I love spending time with you I still really value the time I have with my friends and was disappointed that you not only discouraged it, you flat out ended it without consulting me. Then just to spite me, you would send blank text messages and call people I didn’t want to talk to forcing me into awkward situations with family members I avoid.

You were judgmental. You didn’t like my music and would skip songs that I love and straight out stop during songs you hated.

Instead of working through our problems you would freeze me out and make me wait until you were ready. And then repeat the same things we discussed…you never listen and It was never on my terms. My friends won’t even let me talk about you anymore. “Nisma, if he makes you so unhappy just get a new one”.

I even put myself in physical danger. I’d be so distracted with applications I didn’t know how to work to even walk down the street without tripping into oncoming traffic or people.

I became obsessed with your applications so quickly even though they were completely pointless. For some reason I was so emotionally attached I couldn’t turn them off. It effected my output at work and contributed greatly to my boss being upset with all the “beeping” that’s going on in my cube. “Oh I’m sorry that’s just my light saber function that I don’t know how to turn off”, again making lame excuses for you all the time. But again, that was my fault…I shouldn’t have let you take so much of my attention.

Alas, the ultimate deal breaker was when you called me fat. I’m sorry but emotional and trust issues aside, you just don’t do that. Your key pad would scream “FAT FINGERS!” every time I would stumble onto a J instead of an H. I’d walk around with my hands in my pocket, hoping no one notices. I don’t think you realize how crippling that is.

Again, it’s not that you’re a bad phone. You’re a great phone actually…we’re just simply not compatible. I will always remember the great times when we would meet friends on the T and save the day by downloading driving directions. However, when the only thing stopping me from throwing you across the room is a $200 price tag…I knew it my heart this relationship was doomed.

I’ve met someone recently. He’s a really good phone. His name is LG Shine. I think you’d really like him. He was much cheaper, came with an insurance plan…and he’s really similar to my old phones. I guess we’re just creatures of habit. I feel like I don’t have to learn a new language with him and he just gets me. I mean…he’s just a rebound… we both know that.

I thought I would find some closure waiting in the ATT wireless store while customer service exchanged my contacts and data. Ug you were so shallow you couldn’t even save them on a sim card, I had to pull out my old one and use his instead. How embarrassing! I gave you back your old head phones. I just couldn’t keep them after all this. Your impression on me was extensive and expansive…It took a full hour to delete all the different fascist you consumed throughout my plan. But I suppose breaking up is never easy.

Much Love,